[ There it was, and it's with no small measure of trepidation that she realizes this is no easier a second time. She makes a soft, almost pained sound like the breath is knocked out of her that only the most generous could call a ghost of a laugh.
There isn't even any relief this time. The hysterical edge of being freed from her lie in that first confrontation had cut through what she's starting to recognize to be nausea. Scared sick, maybe, but is she even really that afraid of him here?
Yes, she recognizes immediately, in a way. One worse than having to fear a trap or capture. ]
Oh. Is that all?
[ It's not a question. The words escape her flat and dull and broken. ]
[There's a chasm of missing days and experience between them, and Eren is trying very hard to bridge it so he can understand what's going on. Because his own ignorance and his own stubbornness are clashing to make all this very difficult to swallow. He's so reluctant to let her go without proof that it'll only make things harder. Catch it in his throat, draw it out. (It would be so much easier if he could just hate her.)]
What d'you mean is that all?
[It's out of his mouth immediately. He takes a step toward her—not aggressively, (not today) but insistently. Hands balled into fists, breath misting in the cold like steam. He hadn't known what he'd been expecting to hear from her. An admission, a denial, an explanation. Something. That short and strained reaction isn't enough. They're shit at actually talking things out, the both of them. Being shit at something never stopped him from trying.]
[ She rocks back a half step when he advances, but seems to think better of her intention to retreat and stays still instead. She reaches up to comb her unruly bangs back, but then tightens her fingers into a fist amid the blonde strands. She ducks her head down, pulling somewhat before releasing just as suddenly. ]
No matter how many times we do this. It's all over, so why?
[ For all she's suddenly speaking, saying whole sentences even, her tone doesn't shift or vary the slightest bit. ]
[More than Mikasa's sure statement, more than the story of the expedition and the capture in Stohess that the others had told, more than the familiar face of the titan at the drop, Annie's cracking composure rattles the foundations of his fragile and flawed denial. He grinds his teeth against it, but he's stubborn, not stupid. He can fit the pieces together, even if his gut doesn't want to accept them]
I don't know. I don't understand. I want to.
[Earnest, though he's rarely anything but. And that's the most frustrating thing about all this. That he's not even supposed to be surprised, that he's supposed to have made sense of this and dealt with it and moved past it. It's not that easy. (They're not sure why some of them remember more than others. It's easiest to blame it on the CDC. But it's not like inconvenient memory loss hasn't happened to him before.) He's strung tight, has been from the start of this. Frustrated. There's a burgeoning and bitter taste like hurt (betrayal) building up at the back of his tongue the longer this goes on.]
So stop screwing around and tell me what I forgot, Annie. [They told him, she has to have known they told him. But he doesn't remember, he didn't live it, and that makes a big damn difference. And he advances, takes another step forward or two to close the distance, as if out of habit. (In a way it is. They've faced off a thousand times before, haven't they?) If she really is a titan, if she really did attack the expedition—] Tell me why you did it.
[ There were so many reasons that made the mission what it was, and dictated her part in it. She couldn't share them. It was more than her secretive nature, it simply remains absolutely absolutely necessary.
But she'd failed. All she'd done was worse than useless now, it actively endangered everything. There was only one way to get anything out of this, and that was to keep acting as a lone wolf operative. It would be for the best to let them all think she worked alone, and to make as much noise about it as she could despite her usual modus operandi. Eren would carry this meeting back with him, loyal to his Survey Corps and too straightforward to lie for obscure reasons. Let them think she's panicked and out of control if it could give Reiner and Bertolt a chance to keep their cover secure.
And, really, she is. ]
Now it's all pointless.
[ She shakes her head. Her posture is kept all wrong with him advancing on her, too loose. Unsure if he'll attack her at this point, she still isn't setting herself up for it. ]
[He can't accept that. Whatever happened, for whatever reason, people died. It can't have been pointless. He won't stand for it. He stops in front of her, confused and combative because that's how he goes through most of his life, but he wasn't lying. Right now, more than anything else, he wants to understand.]
The female titan attacked the expedition. You don't do shit like that without a reason. What are you fighting for, Annie?
[If not with the military, for humanity, then what?]
I'm not fighting anymore. [ She says this in a dry whisper as she looks up to meet his eyes. Her own are haunted. ] It's over.
[ That's it might be over is a lie, but Annie isn't an honest person and they both know it. Anything she says is suspect, and maybe that will muddy the waters enough.
For her out isn't even entirely untrue. She can't fight for that anymore, even if she can't stop fighting altogether. ]
[At least she's looking at him now. It actually shuts him up for a few seconds. Jaw clenched, stopped close enough in front of her that she could hook a foot around his ankle and send him slamming to the ground if she wanted. That he has to look down a bit to meet her eyes. Sometimes it would be nice if she'd just say what she means instead of steeping it in her usual brand of bullshit. Because he's navigating it clumsily, and he's feeling just as lost as he was at the start of this.]
You're still here, aren't you? [She's alive. She's fighting. For something. He's here because the CDC asked him to protect humanity. And they're holding it against him like a hostage. Other people are here for other things. Or they wouldn't be here at all.]
It wasn't— [Frustrated, he bites his tongue. Had to happen? What's changed, according to the future he hasn't yet lived. Nothing, everything. They're so out of context here, steps out of sync with each other, he's losing the thread of the conversation. Finally, bluntly—] Are you a traitor, Annie?
[ The words come out deceptively mild, still little more than a whisper. It's an upfront question, the kind she's never liked answering, but there is only one to give before this could be completely over. ]
[It's as good as a confession. About as straight an answer as he's gotten from her today. It's still not enough.
He can't even argue it. He wants to, he's angry, and she must have anticipated that from him. Because logically he knows she's a traitor, because she won't just tell him what's going on or why she did it. But it sits oddly on him. Uncharacteristically muted. He can't bring himself to properly hate her for a sketchy future he doesn't remember. He can't pretend things are the way they were before, either. Can't trust her not to put the rest of the Corps in danger, even if she may have saved his life at the drop. His hands twitch in and out of fists. He's not going to fight her. He doesn't seem to know what to do with her, and being aimless and directionless is not a thing Eren handles gracefully.]
What are you gonna do?
[Now. (They'd been ordered to tread carefully, but Annie's not the Survey Corps' biggest concern right now. A threat, but maybe not an active one. She can't do much to humanity from here.)]
Keep moving. I can't change anything, so I can't be considered 'human' like you. Still, I don't want to die here, either.
[ It's an uncharacteristically straightforward admission. She visibly swallows after the word escapes her, eyes dropping to his hands. There's an edge of caution here, and of fear. It's true, though. There was only one goal that Annie could keep anymore, and that was to avoid dying alone and despised here.
She could only move forward. Any loss of momentum would be fatal, and it's all she has left. ]
I want to live, so... that's what I'll do. That's all, I guess.
[ Her sudden odd monologue ceases abruptly, falling silent as she keeps her eyes fixed on his hands. ]
[With a sudden amount of startling vehemence. Because this is Eren. And because she's not the Female Titan. She's Annie. That still means a lot. (If nothing else, she's as human as he is, isn't she?)]
You want to change things. [She didn't say that. He chooses to believe it anyway.] You want to live. That's human.
[ If Annie expected anything, maybe she should have realised he might say that. He really didn't remember the horror she'd needed to put him through, the pain and betrayal that came with her actions. After all, he wasn't like herself, or someone like Armin either. He didn't know how to really lie, much less live one.
He believes this, she knows for certain. He's wrong. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
There isn't even any relief this time. The hysterical edge of being freed from her lie in that first confrontation had cut through what she's starting to recognize to be nausea. Scared sick, maybe, but is she even really that afraid of him here?
Yes, she recognizes immediately, in a way. One worse than having to fear a trap or capture. ]
Oh. Is that all?
[ It's not a question. The words escape her flat and dull and broken. ]
no subject
What d'you mean is that all?
[It's out of his mouth immediately. He takes a step toward her—not aggressively, (not today) but insistently. Hands balled into fists, breath misting in the cold like steam. He hadn't known what he'd been expecting to hear from her. An admission, a denial, an explanation. Something. That short and strained reaction isn't enough. They're shit at actually talking things out, the both of them. Being shit at something never stopped him from trying.]
Is that really all you have to say to me?
no subject
[ She rocks back a half step when he advances, but seems to think better of her intention to retreat and stays still instead. She reaches up to comb her unruly bangs back, but then tightens her fingers into a fist amid the blonde strands. She ducks her head down, pulling somewhat before releasing just as suddenly. ]
No matter how many times we do this. It's all over, so why?
[ For all she's suddenly speaking, saying whole sentences even, her tone doesn't shift or vary the slightest bit. ]
Why don't you remember?
no subject
I don't know. I don't understand. I want to.
[Earnest, though he's rarely anything but. And that's the most frustrating thing about all this. That he's not even supposed to be surprised, that he's supposed to have made sense of this and dealt with it and moved past it. It's not that easy. (They're not sure why some of them remember more than others. It's easiest to blame it on the CDC. But it's not like inconvenient memory loss hasn't happened to him before.) He's strung tight, has been from the start of this. Frustrated. There's a burgeoning and bitter taste like hurt (betrayal) building up at the back of his tongue the longer this goes on.]
So stop screwing around and tell me what I forgot, Annie. [They told him, she has to have known they told him. But he doesn't remember, he didn't live it, and that makes a big damn difference. And he advances, takes another step forward or two to close the distance, as if out of habit. (In a way it is. They've faced off a thousand times before, haven't they?) If she really is a titan, if she really did attack the expedition—] Tell me why you did it.
no subject
[ There were so many reasons that made the mission what it was, and dictated her part in it. She couldn't share them. It was more than her secretive nature, it simply remains absolutely absolutely necessary.
But she'd failed. All she'd done was worse than useless now, it actively endangered everything. There was only one way to get anything out of this, and that was to keep acting as a lone wolf operative. It would be for the best to let them all think she worked alone, and to make as much noise about it as she could despite her usual modus operandi. Eren would carry this meeting back with him, loyal to his Survey Corps and too straightforward to lie for obscure reasons. Let them think she's panicked and out of control if it could give Reiner and Bertolt a chance to keep their cover secure.
And, really, she is. ]
Now it's all pointless.
[ She shakes her head. Her posture is kept all wrong with him advancing on her, too loose. Unsure if he'll attack her at this point, she still isn't setting herself up for it. ]
no subject
[He can't accept that. Whatever happened, for whatever reason, people died. It can't have been pointless. He won't stand for it. He stops in front of her, confused and combative because that's how he goes through most of his life, but he wasn't lying. Right now, more than anything else, he wants to understand.]
The female titan attacked the expedition. You don't do shit like that without a reason. What are you fighting for, Annie?
[If not with the military, for humanity, then what?]
no subject
[ That's it might be over is a lie, but Annie isn't an honest person and they both know it. Anything she says is suspect, and maybe that will muddy the waters enough.
For her out isn't even entirely untrue. She can't fight for that anymore, even if she can't stop fighting altogether. ]
It had to happen. Maybe that was it.
no subject
You're still here, aren't you? [She's alive. She's fighting. For something. He's here because the CDC asked him to protect humanity. And they're holding it against him like a hostage. Other people are here for other things. Or they wouldn't be here at all.]
It wasn't— [Frustrated, he bites his tongue. Had to happen? What's changed, according to the future he hasn't yet lived. Nothing, everything. They're so out of context here, steps out of sync with each other, he's losing the thread of the conversation. Finally, bluntly—] Are you a traitor, Annie?
no subject
[ The words come out deceptively mild, still little more than a whisper. It's an upfront question, the kind she's never liked answering, but there is only one to give before this could be completely over. ]
I've betrayed everything I've ever fought for.
no subject
He can't even argue it. He wants to, he's angry, and she must have anticipated that from him. Because logically he knows she's a traitor, because she won't just tell him what's going on or why she did it. But it sits oddly on him. Uncharacteristically muted. He can't bring himself to properly hate her for a sketchy future he doesn't remember. He can't pretend things are the way they were before, either. Can't trust her not to put the rest of the Corps in danger, even if she may have saved his life at the drop. His hands twitch in and out of fists. He's not going to fight her. He doesn't seem to know what to do with her, and being aimless and directionless is not a thing Eren handles gracefully.]
What are you gonna do?
[Now. (They'd been ordered to tread carefully, but Annie's not the Survey Corps' biggest concern right now. A threat, but maybe not an active one. She can't do much to humanity from here.)]
no subject
[ It's an uncharacteristically straightforward admission. She visibly swallows after the word escapes her, eyes dropping to his hands. There's an edge of caution here, and of fear. It's true, though. There was only one goal that Annie could keep anymore, and that was to avoid dying alone and despised here.
She could only move forward. Any loss of momentum would be fatal, and it's all she has left. ]
I want to live, so... that's what I'll do. That's all, I guess.
[ Her sudden odd monologue ceases abruptly, falling silent as she keeps her eyes fixed on his hands. ]
no subject
[With a sudden amount of startling vehemence. Because this is Eren. And because she's not the Female Titan. She's Annie. That still means a lot. (If nothing else, she's as human as he is, isn't she?)]
You want to change things. [She didn't say that. He chooses to believe it anyway.] You want to live. That's human.
no subject
He believes this, she knows for certain. He's wrong. ]
Eren...
[ She pulls in on herself, stepping back. ]
I wanted that once.