[Back home, after Trost, after being freed from the prison beneath the courthouse, he'd been kept under the close observation of humanity's strongest soldiers. As insurance, in case he turns on them, loses control. In case he needs to be put down. But the flip side of it was that it would keep him safe, protected, because he is too valuable an asset to lose. Things are different here, he is not as unique to the CDC as he is to humanity. He is not as important, and he is not—as much as he'd probably like to be—nearly as much of a threat. He has, ironically, enjoyed more personal freedom after his conscription into the CDC than he'd had since Trost. But that doesn't mean he can forget what's going on back home. Or his place in it.
Being a priority. It is selfish, to do whatever you want when there are bigger things at stake. When humanity is at stake. Sometimes you need to do things you don't want to do. And sometimes that means fighting when you want to hide...or hiding when you want to fight. While he understands the need for it, it doesn't sit easy on him. It probably never will. But it goes hand in hand with responsibility, and that is something that he tries very hard to measure up to. (Like the elite Garrison team and all the others (Marco) in Trost. They gave their lives so he could stop the city from falling. He needs to be worth all those lives, or all of it will be a waste.) His hand is tense under her fingers as she pulls it away, eases it down to his side. Just shy of trembling, as it balls itself back into a fist, blunt nails biting deep (but not deep enough) into his palms. Quieting, but far and away from calm, watching the black out the hatch of the rover in a desperate and determined way.]
I'll kill them.
[It's not what she wants to hear, but he does stay. They're already gone, he's already too late, they don't need to sit around and wait for this to happen again. He cannot help but think of Armin and the Captain out in the med tent. The others out who knows where. He does not cry, but there is a fierce upswell of frustration, a strangled and wordless thing caught in his throat, caged behind his teeth.]
They can't keep doing this.
[And it's clear where he's going with that, what he thinks the enemy is. Those harpy things, the ones from the lockdown. Appearing without warning, picking people up and tearing them limb from limb. It's happened before, the first fatalities they'd had on the whole mission. What else could it be?]
no subject
Being a priority. It is selfish, to do whatever you want when there are bigger things at stake. When humanity is at stake. Sometimes you need to do things you don't want to do. And sometimes that means fighting when you want to hide...or hiding when you want to fight. While he understands the need for it, it doesn't sit easy on him. It probably never will. But it goes hand in hand with responsibility, and that is something that he tries very hard to measure up to. (Like the elite Garrison team and all the others (Marco) in Trost. They gave their lives so he could stop the city from falling. He needs to be worth all those lives, or all of it will be a waste.) His hand is tense under her fingers as she pulls it away, eases it down to his side. Just shy of trembling, as it balls itself back into a fist, blunt nails biting deep (but not deep enough) into his palms. Quieting, but far and away from calm, watching the black out the hatch of the rover in a desperate and determined way.]
I'll kill them.
[It's not what she wants to hear, but he does stay. They're already gone, he's already too late, they don't need to sit around and wait for this to happen again. He cannot help but think of Armin and the Captain out in the med tent. The others out who knows where. He does not cry, but there is a fierce upswell of frustration, a strangled and wordless thing caught in his throat, caged behind his teeth.]
They can't keep doing this.
[And it's clear where he's going with that, what he thinks the enemy is. Those harpy things, the ones from the lockdown. Appearing without warning, picking people up and tearing them limb from limb. It's happened before, the first fatalities they'd had on the whole mission. What else could it be?]